It is Okay to be a Little “Selfish”

Hello again friends!

As some of you may be aware, if you have read my previous posts, I recently left a two-year relationship. This was one of the most difficult decisions I have faced, since hurting others is never on my agenda. I frequently put the wants and needs of others in front of the wants and needs of myself. This does not make me a good person or some type of martyr. Sometimes, this honestly just makes me stupid. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it is okay to be a little “selfish” sometimes. People just don't want you to know that.

I received this advice from a professional staff member at my college that I have built up a wonderful relationship with over the past two years at Curry. She is the type of person that regardless of a 15 year age difference, I feel as though I could confide all in her. She is truly an amazing person whom I wholeheartedly value.

Things with the ex have been difficult and uncomfortable at times lately. While I do understand that from his perspective, the breakup came out of left field, for me it was something that had been building up for a while; and that was something I had hoped he would be able to reflect upon in these past few months. Unfortunately, he has not been able to do so.

I receive a text every two weeks or so from him, reminding me that he has not yet moved on from me. He has not been able to take this time to remove me from his thoughts, although we do not see each other anymore, nor do we have mutual friends. From my position, it would seem fairly easy to adjust to life without me after two months of minimal contact—minimal due to his messaging me. All ties between us have been severed, and yet I see him attempting to mend them in ways that are simply aggravating me.

Lately he has been contacting my friends to try and come onto campus to hang out. A bit of backstory for those of you who do not know me, personally or at all: we met at Curry when he was a sophomore and I was a freshman, and the fall semester of my freshman year we began dating. Last fall, when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, it was no surprise to anyone that he was unhappy here. He did not hang with many other than myself, and he did not exert himself much in his classes. After that semester, he dropped out. This became the biggest wedge in our relationship, although we tried hard to not make this so.

He tried to visit as often as possible last semester, although that did not mean it was often. He eventually got a job at a Stop and Shop near his house, which was a great thing since it got him out of the house. Eventually, however, I noticed that it became the sort of situation where instead of working on days that I wasn’t available, he would choose to work on the days that I had off. He would then try to visit me on days that didn’t quite work for me, and even canceled on attending our family trip to Newport this fall, saying that he couldn’t get off work. I am not entirely convinced that he had ever asked for work off in the first place, but that is beside the point.

There were many wedges between us when we broke up, and I had to do the selfish thing and see what life without him would be like. As it turns out, I am doing well. I am doing more than well, in fact, and people such as Lisa, the woman who I spoke with, have convinced me that this is the brightest I have ever shone in their time knowing me. Not that he dragged me down, but I suppose that now I am my truest self.

I decided that I needed to talk with someone who was not a peer after he texted me twice this past Thursday. The first text was asking whether he should give up on me ever speaking to him again. I truly did not know how to respond, and had a brief conversation with my sister on the matter. Any time we spoke, he continued with a conversation that I had no interest in maintaining, and almost seemed to guilt me into responding. I was in no rush to have one of those conversations again.

About ten minutes later, the guilt-filled text was sent. He said that I was the only real thing that ever made him happy and that now he has no one and he is hurt and looking to talk. The guilt-blast was received when he apologized for being unable to make me happy, letting me know he loved me more than I’d ever know, and that he hopes I’m happy now. This text concerned me and frustrated me at the same time, and I needed to seek the advice of someone trusted and older than me.

The best advice Lisa was able to give me was that it is not selfish to do what is best for you, even if others may be hurt in the process. Intent over impact; the intent was not to hurt someone else, but it may have had a different impact. I never meant to hurt him by breaking up with him, although that was the impact. And though I’ve explained to him that speaking to me will not help him move on, we seemed to approach that same conversation over and over again. Not only was that not a healthy pattern for him, but it was also not healthy for me.

I left the relationship because it no longer felt healthy for me. That is not selfish. Breaking up with him to be with other people or to be in a situation that put me at a greater advantage than him may have been selfish, but that is not where we were. To continue to be dragged down by these conversations would not be healthy for me, and it is okay to make the decision to continue without contact.

I still feel guilty. I do not anticipate that feeling going away any time soon. I worry that by doing what is best for me, I will hurt him to a horrible point. I realize now, though, that this is ridiculous. It is okay to put myself first. This is going to have to become a daily reminder, but I am trying very hard to love myself, and that means not sending myself down a path that leaves me hurting and confused and constantly worried. Not speaking with him has been the best way to not go down this path again, and that does not make me selfish.

Intent over impact—always remember that. It is okay to be a little selfish sometimes. Think of yourself, because as I always say, you are your biggest supporter. When everyone else leaves, you are who you have left; you are the arms to hold you tight at night. Always keep your best interests in mind, and happiness will find you.

Abby