When You Decide to Go on a "Guy-Cleanse"

I have spent the past six years, at least, either in a relationship, talking to a guy, or liking a guy in some romantic capacity. While I have not spent all of those years in a relationship, necessarily, I cannot remember the last time I haven't had my eyes set on a guy. Some new love interest has always been on my radar.

After my past relationship ended, I found someone that I was comfortable with and automatically decided that I liked him as more than a friend. I didn't give my head time to compute the situation, but it felt right, and I mean, if I was comfortable with it, no harm done then, right?

As it turns out, maybe I was a little bit wrong. These past few months I have been talking about wanting to find myself and live to be my truest self. Who am I without this aspect, though? Who is Abby without some guy on her mind? As I really reflect on this, I guess I'll finally figure out who I am all guys aside.

I have decided to guy on a "guy-cleanse", if you will. For however long it takes, I am taking a break from testosterone. Friendships only, no hook-ups, no "talking". I want to do this for myself. I am one of the most independent people I know, but I have used guys as a crutch for the longest time. I have always told myself that I was better than girls who were always in relationships since I knew what it was like to be single, when in all reality this could not have been farther from the truth.

I am almost twenty. I have a year and a half left of college, a potential internship for the spring semester, and several on-campus jobs. I have such a life to live without the constant distractions that crushing on a guy provides.

It may have taken far too long for me to come to this conclusion, and maybe not even for the right reasons, but knowing that I am finally doing something that could be this amazing for me actually feels really good. And who knows, maybe I’ll come out of this experience feeling an even deeper need for male attention. But I’m hoping to feel refreshed and even more confident in my independence.

As silly as it sounds, and although I rarely use it anyway, I am going to delete my tinder. I think it’s ridiculous anyway, and I don’t ever plan to use the app for anything legitimate, so honestly what is the point? The point for me, for a while, was that knowing that those guys wanted me in the shallowest of ways gave me a sick sense of satisfaction. They didn’t swipe right because they thought I am funny or intelligent; they swiped because they found me attractive. As strange as it sounds, that was enough.

I don’t want to depend on these shallow tendencies to make me feel good about myself. I don’t need others to fill that void for me; I can feel good about who I am all on my own. I know that I am a great person, and quite honestly I don’t need a man to tell me this. Thanks, but don’t I know it!

I anticipate this being such a healthy move for me. For too long now I have been walked all over. For too long now I have been distracted. For too long now I have let guys negatively impact my mood or my day, and then shrug it off as something natural. It is not natural to make excuses for others when they impact you.

I am excited for what this “cleanse” has to offer. I am beyond ready for the happiness that will hopefully accompany this decision. I already am feeling better about my life; my mindset is fresh and positive. This is exactly what I have needed.

Wish me luck!

Abby