Hello again, my friends!
As I prepare myself to say goodbye to what has been quite the year, not only am I gladly accepting what 2016 has to offer, but I am also reflecting on all that I am leaving behind. Yesterday I asked my friend Brandon if he had any New Years Resolutions. His response was that he wanted to get his Hogwarts acceptance letter. This could totally be his year, but he did give me a legitimate response as well. He then asked me what my New Years Resolutions were. And this was the first year I hadn't really given it much thought.
Of course, I could say that one of my resolutions is to go to the gym more often, or to eat less chocolate, but more avocados. These are all goals of mine, regardless, (except eating less chocolate... I think I eat just enough), but I didn't want this to be a typical resolution. One year I said I would take more baths, and that was a dud and a half of a resolution; I am not even sure that I took one bath that year, let alone multiple. Another goal, but not resolution, of mine is to read more books! This year I completed my goal of 35 books, which in my opinion for a busy college student, that is a pretty hefty number.
If there is one thing that I want for myself in 2016, it is simply more positivity. Next year I will be 20 years old, and even though I often feel like a 45 year old woman, I am still so young! I have a whole world ahead of me, and a year and a half of undergraduate left before entering the so-called "real world". In 2016 I want to not fear mistakes.
Now, I'm not saying that I want to make vast amounts of mistakes throughout my year as a 20-year-old, but 2015 has definitely taught me a lot about myself in terms of making mistakes. I have an intense fear of making mistakes. I always fear that one mistake will do me in, ruining the rest of my life. And so, often times I am so afraid of making a mistake that I don't truly let myself experience things around me. I am always so worried that a decision I make will end up being the wrong one.
In 2016, I need to know that even if I make a bad decision, or a wrong decision, at least I made a decision. Making a decision is much better than living in a stagnant state of misery, because the negative effects of mistakes will always die down. You can survive anything.
This year I found myself unhappy in my long-term relationship. I was so afraid of becoming even more unhappy by leaving the relationship, that I remained in it for much longer than I really should have. When I finally made the leap and suddenly found myself single for the first time in two years, I cried so hard, because I feared that I would wake up one day and ask myself what the hell I had done. My friend held me as I contemplated this, and he told me that one day that might happen. And that would be okay. But it also might not happen--and it didn't. I never had that moment of regret after we broke up.
That experience taught me a lot. Regret is a funny thing in that it often sneaks up on you when you don't expect it, yet is nowhere in sight when you figured the feeling would linger. And that is why in 2016 I don't want to be afraid of making decisions. Even if one bad decision does have repercussions, I will still get through them. I made plenty of stupid boy-related mistakes these past few months, and every time I did, I would call myself stupid, or say that I was smarter than this to get wrapped up in the ridiculous situations I found myself in. And even if that was true, it was still okay.
I will be okay. I am going to make a plethora of bad decisions in this coming year. But my New Years Resolution is to accept this and not live in fear of this. I am human and I am flawed, and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to be set free in 2016. This will not be easily achieved, as I have been conditioned to live anxiously about most decisions I make, but one day I might wake up and realize that I have no regrets, and that day will be beautiful.
Happy New Year!
Abby
